If you’re a bank robber, and you get lost on the way to the bank, it’s probably best to just call it off for today.

If I could go back to high school and do it all over again, I think I’d try to talk a lot less about UFO’s.

There’s no time like the present to start building an underwater colony.

If you think you got struck by lightning, but aren’t sure, it’s probably good to get it checked out just in case.

I’m starting to doubt that shrimp have the magical romantic lives that most of assume.

New pirates usually get training eye patches. They’re a lot less itchy, but lack some of the pro features.

I bet people in Mississippi are really good at estimating how long a second is.

I have a feeling the 2000′s will be remembered as the decade balloon animal technology totally flat lined.

It’s sad the day you realize your dishwasher has lost that new dishwasher smell.

The crazy thing about going through a stranger’s refrigerator, replacing all their food with school supplies, and then leaving a little drawing, is that you don’t get to see that great look on their face when they see your joke.