It’s sad the day you realize your dishwasher has lost that new dishwasher smell.

The crazy thing about going through a stranger’s refrigerator, replacing all their food with school supplies, and then leaving a little drawing, is that you don’t get to see that great look on their face when they see your joke.

I bet in castles there was an unwritten rule to never run around a corner with your sword pointing out. Unless, of course, you have your safety cork stuck on the end.

For birds, the biggest disadvantage in a fight is that every time they throw a punch, they fly a little bit.

If you get into a knife fight, it could be funny to pull out a fork and spoon. Then again, might not be worth it.

If you find a dead possum on the side of the road, and also he has a cigarette in his mouth, well, then I’m not sure what killed him.

Becoming a detective is harder than you might think – a good spyglass can be pretty expensive.

If you accidentally spill a glass of water onto a towel, don’t worry about it – you got lucky this time.

Not just any robot is good at performing surgery. They have to be programmed for that.

If you see a bottle wash up on shore with a note in it, sometimes it’s best to just kick it back in.