If you’re a bank robber, and you get lost on the way to the bank, it’s probably best to just call it off for today. 0

If I could go back to high school and do it all over again, I think I’d try to talk a lot less about UFO’s. 2

There’s no time like the present to start building an underwater colony. 3

If you think you got struck by lightning, but aren’t sure, it’s probably good to get it checked out just in case. 1

I’m starting to doubt that shrimp have the magical romantic lives that most of assume. 0

New pirates usually get training eye patches. They’re a lot less itchy, but lack some of the pro features. 3

I bet people in Mississippi are really good at estimating how long a second is. 12

I have a feeling the 2000′s will be remembered as the decade balloon animal technology totally flat lined. 1

It’s sad the day you realize your dishwasher has lost that new dishwasher smell. 4

The crazy thing about going through a stranger’s refrigerator, replacing all their food with school supplies, and then leaving a little drawing, is that you don’t get to see that great look on their face when they see your joke. 3