I’m starting to doubt that shrimp have the magical romantic lives that most of assume. 0

New pirates usually get training eye patches. They’re a lot less itchy, but lack some of the pro features. 2

I bet people in Mississippi are really good at estimating how long a second is. 8

I have a feeling the 2000′s will be remembered as the decade balloon animal technology totally flat lined. 1

It’s sad the day you realize your dishwasher has lost that new dishwasher smell. 4

The crazy thing about going through a stranger’s refrigerator, replacing all their food with school supplies, and then leaving a little drawing, is that you don’t get to see that great look on their face when they see your joke. 1

I bet in castles there was an unwritten rule to never run around a corner with your sword pointing out. Unless, of course, you have your safety cork stuck on the end. 3

For birds, the biggest disadvantage in a fight is that every time they throw a punch, they fly a little bit. 7

If you get into a knife fight, it could be funny to pull out a fork and spoon. Then again, might not be worth it. 5

If you find a dead possum on the side of the road, and also he has a cigarette in his mouth, well, then I’m not sure what killed him. 8