Apparently, even if you made them and brought them yourself, you still have to share the cookies with everyone.

I have a feeling Leonardo da Vinci’s pumpkin carvings were actually kind of disappointing.

Given the average lifespan of deer, Bambi’s mom would more than likely be dead by now anyway.

If your house always smells like pickles, and you swear up and down that you don’t have any pickles, I’m still going to ask you for a pickle. Because hey, I smell pickles.

There are way too many differences between a crock pot and a crack pipe to even be worth discussing.

The term “indian giver” really bothers me. I don’t care if they live in teepees, nobody has the right to give one human being to another human being.

Just because your robot is good at washing dishes doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let him try some other tasks every once it a while.

Always be prepared to make a quick decision in case of a natural disaster. For example, if your house is flooding, and you have to choose between saving the dog or the goldfish, well, I’m just saying you should think about these things.

I think I’d definitely be against public schools offering a course on lynching.

After they had soaked me with water and played monkey in the middle with my lunch box, I shot them each a convicting look of disappointment, which I could tell deep down taught them a little lesson about bullying, or maybe comedy, because they were laughing pretty hard.