There are way too many differences between a crock pot and a crack pipe to even be worth discussing.

The term “indian giver” really bothers me. I don’t care if they live in teepees, nobody has the right to give one human being to another human being.

Just because your robot is good at washing dishes doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let him try some other tasks every once it a while.

Always be prepared to make a quick decision in case of a natural disaster. For example, if your house is flooding, and you have to choose between saving the dog or the goldfish, well, I’m just saying you should think about these things.

I think I’d definitely be against public schools offering a course on lynching.

After they had soaked me with water and played monkey in the middle with my lunch box, I shot them each a convicting look of disappointment, which I could tell deep down taught them a little lesson about bullying, or maybe comedy, because they were laughing pretty hard.

If you have anxiety about your soap scum problem, you’ll be relieved to know that it’s one of the least severe and easily treatable scums out there.

If you get hit by lightning AND a car at the same time, man, I don’t know what to tell you.

Never put yourself in a situation where you feel pressured to drink a cup of green glowing acid. Especially if you’re not sure whether it’s the healthy kind or the bad kind.

Yes, many terrible things have been done in the name of religion. But also, for Klondike bars.