If you have anxiety about your soap scum problem, you’ll be relieved to know that it’s one of the least severe and easily treatable scums out there.

If you get hit by lightning AND a car at the same time, man, I don’t know what to tell you.

Never put yourself in a situation where you feel pressured to drink a cup of green glowing acid. Especially if you’re not sure whether it’s the healthy kind or the bad kind.

Yes, many terrible things have been done in the name of religion. But also, for Klondike bars.

If your blinker doesn’t blink as fast as you’d like, don’t forget you can manually override it by rapidly flicking the handle.

As I left the kitchen and turned down the dark hallway, I was shocked to find a can of beans staring me in my face. What was this short little hallway to nowhere? And why did it have so much food in it?

Never swipe a Samurai’s sword to cut the birthday cake. They’re way uptight about it.

If you invent a sport, and it’s almost exactly like football, except for no tackling or running, and the ball is actually more like a hammer, I have news for you – that’s nothing like football.

I’m not sure it matters whether someone writes a book about lumber. It’s just not something I care about.

I wonder if mocking birds get beat up more than regular birds.